il never know what im looking for ..
 but i have to know where i belong  ....
i belong to noone and noone belongs to me  ......
 maybe you remind me of something i might be looking for ..
if happiness is what you give me by merely looking at me
maybe around you is where i might wanna be ..
when i see you
standing infront of me
i might look away
afraid of what you might see
Afraid of what i might still want 

looser

Getting in touch with the looser in me .. secretly kept , away from people .. there has to be a looser living in you .. The looser conversations , why me , why didnt i ? why can't i ? You make me sick and i noticed u just dont try enough .. people do say if you try , you can achieve anything ..  what a thought !! i totally disagree ..  i really like to sing but can i ? i mean i have heard myself sing and believe me  .. beleive me .. lets not even go there !! i could go for voice training and yea be a bit better but bottom line is .. i wont be able to be the singer i wanna be 
maybe trying sometimes is better than not doing anything about it .. one has to have certain  amount of luck , circumstance in life  for something's to succeed .. but trying is there
..sometimes you know what u wanna do but u just can't put the effort and TRY ... trying is the best you can do .. when you try u don go back and wonder, what if .. So the looser in me should try .. hmmm .,, the looser in me thinks that this is a dumb post ...

Everything ends .. everything has to end ..
Morning always came too soon and u always had to rush ... i take a shower , lie down and inhale what i loved the most .. trying to figure out why i was there .. and it would be time for me to leave ...
Then he calls .. and everything stops .. . i could pass out in his arms .. it was a place of heaven .. how i love every bit of it in the most senseless way ... what a mess ive left .. what a mess it was ... ....
Today i lay here ... wishing i slept ... it might rain soon and i might cry soon too .. why do we know what we are missing ?

Few days back
It was a mormal day , like everyother .. but it could be the last day for someone ... its amazing how you can feel the pain of others ... how ur heartbreaks for someone you never met .. the hopes and dreams they would have had for him .. died with him ... such is life , i remind myself

Makes me wonder why my sadness is  ? what is it that i am looking for ? what makes me happy ? i think its my thoughts ... imaginary friend comes and leaves ... we all need space  from eachother ... i have reasons for me to convince im lucky  ... taking a look at the world around , one news channel should be able to make me realize i'm one of the luckiest ...... being ungrateful is just not right ...

And i try to talk , chit chat maybe gossip .. thats how people live , ive seen .. the scenario was her boyfriend broke up with her and now is dating someone new .. and obviously her main focus was how unbelievable it was ... nothing made sense to me , if he leaves then he must not want her anymore ... whats there not to get ? i miserably failed being part of that conversation ...

Next would be trying to do something productive with my time .. productive as in something i can makes some money  out of ? i suppose  ... lets see paint?? make frames ,? cards ? who would seriously buy what I MAKE !!

Maybe i should try harder to sleep when im supposed to ? Try harder to not wonder is you were around ? its just that i miss you and wish you would call again .. this time i wont mind listening to instructions you give for hours and hours ... one is allowed to miss their mum i suppose ...

...

Purposeful mistake you were  ...  
but ur wonderful smile .. i do miss it 
needed to feel alive and found u .. 
i do miss you .. quite wonderful you are 
and your touch , blissful 

i do wish you the best .. 
yea this one's for  you 
you , always meet halfway .. 
and we leave 


the dreadful walk to you ,
the very silent steps 
and the fish on the door 
the annoying lights 


and now its time to reflect ... 
always wish you the best .. 
you are a smile on my face .. 
and quite wonderful , you are 

you cannot learn before mistakes .. people and places ... why does one assume they are always better ? im attached to your memories and not you ... i could live with a void and still don't need you ... you'll always surface .. thank you for being so kind and unkind .. .. i could spend days in ur arms and thats why i had to leave you .. a thought comes to me ... i know how less i remember how sweet you can be ... i only hold on to very little ... and yet its overwhelmingly enough ...

funny is a world where u could have been anyone ... i could have been anyone and i was born to be me ... why do i meet the people i do ? who is a soul mate? who is a friend ? how long do u have to know a person to call them a friend ..how are the other ways to phrase it ? .. someone i know ?

expectations ... oh no here we go again ........... the need to be treated good ? .. by another person ... which means .. a person -- a human --- with faults ... own thinking .... own assumptions and reactions ... bottom line : expectations have to be very flexible ... maybe people sudnt be taken seriously? heh well that doesn't sound right eh ...

if you can move on from day to day ... if you can look at someone and wish them well when u really know what they have done to you .. .. if you can walk alone not in a group and yet feel its enough .. if you can spend days even months alone and not feel lonely , if you can look for something special in anyone , if you can not judge a person and accept them the way they are let them deal with it .. if you can not say anything back to people that doesn't mean anything to you, in spite of how much they bring you down only cause some people just wont get it , if you can genuinely help someone who dislikes you , if you can accept bad times cause some people out there have had worst ... if you can just let most things go cause it doesn't really matter in the end ... cause u're accountable to you ...

dear god .. you made everyone , so similiar and yet so different ... you must know us very well .. you are enough for me ....

Loosing it ... i normally don't loose my temper ,, well i just get annoyed and then my thinking button starts .. but not tonight .. maybe becoming less tolerant of the same thing? .. i really have the need to swear .. but i also wanna know the psychology behind that .. that wud make me feel better because?? why did i think of swearing ? grrrrrrrrrrrrr .. . i do realize that men are very different from women, how they think and what they are interested in ..but sumtimes so similiar .. i really do not understand why , WHY the need to control the other person exists ... WHY?why can't a person eat or drink whatever the hell they want ? why can't they watch what they want .. why does the person have to be mothered ?? why ?? why do people have the need to emotionally blackmail the other person ? ?? why ? isn't it better if they live with u willingly ?? isn't it more beautiful ??

a song could loose it' s meaning ..if u were gone ?
i cud still need u .. even if u were gone ?
a memory cud penetrate the soul ..even when ur gone ?
a place u can only take ..even if u were gone ?
letting go , even after u left ?
the need to touch u , even if u were gone ?
u have me , even when ur gone ..

only if i wanted anything real bad .. to beg ,cry and weep for it ... i was thinking of mistakes today .. the whole idea behind our existence ... as kids can't wait to grow up , as teenagers , rebellious , silly mistakes .. into early 20's , responsibilities ... 30's and 40's , u've hopefully learned from mistakes (if u have not , good luck) u finally get serious , wake up , start working for a better life ..blah blah ... u don't have much time to repeat mistakes .. by the time ur in ur 30's u must have made the mistake of getting married and having kids (ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa)
i would not like to imagine dad's like mine .. so to support a family u need to grind ur ass ...
arggg the crap i write

what really happened to the man that lies on the bridge ? what about the woman with the 3 kids that runs around begging while she sits with the youngest on her lap ? and there is always a woman kept right infront of the atm machines , she gets picked up by a woman late at night ..,,
As humans we are pretty much the same but not our thoughts i guess.. why do people use others for their own benefit ? why do people use kids for revenge? why do people wanna control others so much ? why do people feel happy doing so ? how do u define a person who can be truly kind to your own kids and yet treat others like shit ? what does that really mean ?
why do we exist? why do i exist?
why dont people see what others do wrong if they are related to them ? or if they are people who are close? isnt whats right and whats wrong obvious ? why do people deny?
why are we made the way we are? why were we given thoughts ?
what do we want? what do i want ? what makes me happy ?
what happened to me ?