New year's resolution ? mine is try and be alone as much as possible .. ... its peaceful when ur dealing with sumthing predictable .. i cud hav long conversations in my head and its not gonna judge me .. being alone is better than bad company
staying away frm things that doesnt give u any benefit nor harm
im not sure abt not doing things for kicks though .. its how u find out more abt urself
maybe this year il try to find out about love ..
yea yea it sounds romantic but its actually not .. cause its very hard for me to understand where it leads to, u start by falling in love with sum one and after a while ur no longer in that euphoric state ... then u come to love the person .. after years u are just used to the person ..
When ur not looking even ur met with things and sometimes u never find what ur looking for..
Left what-ifing .. wondering if somethings wrong with u ...
old age .. the fear of being abandoned ..not having someone who will constantly care .. u love sum one expecting them to care as much as u do too ,, bottom line, to make them be there for u when needed, what if u didn't want all that ? what if u constantly think and remind that ur alone ..if someone cares its nice but if not even it doesn't matter .. again old age becomes a bitch , u might not be able to put the spoon in ur mouth alone ... in this case u need t depend on money ... money will buy u care .. it sounds very inhuman but end of the day money matters ... money omits headaches but money doesn't necessarily bring happiness, oh happiness , it lies deep within u, Ur thoughts ... everything passes by .. happy moments aswell as sad ... ur left to choose between what u wanna hold on to and drag with u

Moving on means leaving something behind or move on with it ? U always have ur shit with you, its just that u need a plan to make it less miserable ..
You are left wondering what could have been ...
Why do we want what we want ? How boring will it be to be happy?
People always say be happy with what you have .. what about the people who does not have what u have ? arent u supposed to be sad for them ?
i really dont know why people are happy .. i dont see the point in a lot of things now ... cause everything leads to some need of urs .. u work hard to get money and to buy stuff u want and then u go buy it and then what? ... u have it , so what? then u wait till u want something else?

talking about things helps? maybe cause the other person tells u what u wanna hear and thereby u feel good about urself .. most of the time u talk abt sumtin when u feel bad about it or sumtins bugging u .. but then again ppl do go on and on about things that are exciting for them or sumting .. silence is never appreciated these days .. i dont understand why ppl have to shriek at a sight of a shoe or tshirt they like ..
the need to share information is also there, specially if its sumthing thats not nice .. jus hav to pass it on and let others know
so this is how the much needed conversation will go ?
.... : hey are u busy ? i really hav t talk t u abt sumtin
........ the listener : no im not, tell me ..sumtin bothing u ?
..... : yea u know blah blah blah
.......the listener : no its okay to feel that way , but its not ur fault .. blah blah (more things to make u feel great)
......: thanks so much, i feel much better now .. ur great
... the listener : no worries. anything for u
conclusion .. both parties are glad, one helped a friend and feels needed , appreciated , valued
the other feels good , much better .. relieved ..

note

The note from you , waited for me in my room

white piece of paper , blue ink

laconic , it was

words from you ..written carefully , choosen wisely

something about loving me in silence

stuck on you , I am

bits and pieces of you , put in a box

something about u deep in my soul

something I saw in you , I cant let out of me

hundreds of reasons to dislike you

imperfectly perfect you are

a sad love song u are

together is something we will never be

befuddled I cannot be

existence of you had to be known by me

for my misery

people tend to mind their own business in a wrong way .. sum find out abt others ,ask about others , talk about others ( mostly bad) , spy on others .. rarely do they even bother if they see someone brutally beating a kid , treating their elderly bad .. etc etc .. its not their business to intervene, its not comfortable to have a saying it seems ..
ive never met u but the thought of u haunts me .. i wish i could have helped u .. the little boy who was tortured and shaken to his death about 2 years ago .. it was done in a room of a house, a house filled with people , who were not deaf , who had phones , noone bothered cause it was not their bussiness i assume ..
the man who did it is roaming around freely noone bothers to beat the shit out of him .. people who claim to be pious, in the name of religion wants the non worshippers dead but doesnt seem to care about how people are being mistreated and help their "brother" .. its all fake its all fake .. a small baby was tortured and noone bothered ,, noone heard him cause they were minding their own business

i conveniently feel

sumtimes how u feel can sumwhat be controlled, why do we feel what we feel ?
sumtimes u like a person conveniently , cause u need them to be there ,its nice to have them, helps you go thru the crisis on hand, cause u need sumone during those hard times ... so u conveniently feel what ur supposed to feel for them.. its the illusion of what its supposed to be or rather how its supposed to be .. you need them, want them ,long for them, miss them, the list can go on ..inspite of complications ....
aftersumtime u conviniently move on ... and live happily ever after , hopefully
yea sumtimes u do need these convinient feelings, no it does not make u an ass now does it ? well what it is, is what it is

How would i possibly love another .. according to me love is u .. smelling ur neck while u sleep is love .. love is when you ask me if u take care of me well ..when i love you helplessly unintentionally its such a pain in my ass .. i do not like it at all ...when nothing itself reminds me of you .. when im unable to hold anyone else without the thought of u , stuck there in my mind .. when i know i dont need you and yet i could never want someone the way i want u .. i hate it when i cannot explain why i just have to love you .. ive never touched anyone , held anyone the way i held you ,. i never could .. i wish you well .. il try to figure out why i love you forever .. i cannot be with you ever .. life would have been easier if i love someone who is nice unlike you .. so basically there has to be some external force that makes me like you so much.. i do not like writing about you but ive never thought of someone as much as i think of you .. ive never been content with what i have other than when i had you .. you are my everything and yet i dont want you .. this is the lamest thing that could happen to anyone, the most annoying thing too ..

i am not a writer but the need to express my thoughts are persistent ... although i wonder why would anyone stop to read this .. my thoughts pouring on this screen .. if i was to pick the color of my soul id say it cannot be a pretty color ,definitely nothing like pink ..
arent we just merely pools of blood , flesh and bones .. i am most faithful to my soul , id rather break my heart but not do injustice to myself .. forlorn tears doesn't really mean one is crying .. it was just a twist of fate that it was me and not you .. anyways , its more pleasant if you can ask why me if something good happens .. everyone;s comfortably confused , not like we live in the most sane world .. innocence .. i needed it but was deprived of it much sooner than i deserved .. things that were beyond my control .. there are things that u cannot escape from and yet you do not wanna live with .. its just the way it was supposed to be .. not everyone gets what they deserve .. it would be pathetic to hate oneself for it ..

ur there sumwhere
cud dig deep and find u there
cannot pretend u didnt happen
besides im not a pretender
pieces of heaven , ounces of happiness , u were
never claimed u
u were always free to leave
my world , u were from head t toe
worst addiction , u drained me
how i adored u
ur arms fit around like destiny
loved breathing u in
how i loved the person u were
how i loved the person i thought u were
how i love ur thought
how i love how it felt
how i do not want it at all , anymore
how u became jus a thought
a thought that comes
a thought i dismiss
a thought that haunts
a thought thats not needed
a thought that breaks
a thought that aches
a thought thats not welcome
a thought thats unwanted
still a thought that wont stop

i only know the selfish kind of love ... u love a person cause they make u feel good, u like what they say , specially about u , u like their touch , u like being around them , its all about u , u love a person cause they make u feel special, needed, wanted, cared and all that bundle .. so u love a person for very selfish reasons ..
same with ur children, u love them cause they are urs and u accept them the way they are .. again selfishly
sum love regardless of how they are treated back .. to me i think its the hope of having back what they think they felt at a certain point .. sum love the illusion of what they think it was or how special it was ,some dont get to find out how it might actually turn out but they assume it would have been great and they are always in love with that thought
love most of the time is a reason u give to make ur life meaningful , longing for a lost love , longing for a person who needs you , who cares for you and all that ..
i believe we are on our own end of the day .. we take responsibility for our actions , noones there to save ur asses in the end . Its nice to be with sumone who respects you , treats u nice and u can have a good orgasm with ..

the painful thing about being stupid is u dont really understand how u cud hav been that stupid later on
and then u feel like a total looser , but who is a looser ? guess its part of living ..
the most vulernerable is being in the form of a baby and u dont really remmeber how u were treated .. and then we become really confused people and after that comes the " its complicated " issues and then we do more stupid things and then start looking back and wonder wat the hell have i achieved so far, then while we are bitching about it our bones become weak and we start to look really horrible
and can barely move around the house .. well thats life isnt it ? we only think of things that are important to us at that particular frame of time , who is so perfect to think about every single thing, i mean comon!! its easy to relate with people who hav gone thru the same things or kinda similiar situations as u .. unless u go thru the same thing its hard for u to really get the picture .
so sometimes u appreciate things and what people have really done for you much later , when its really friking late

fascinating rituals of where i came from

ASL ---> 15 yrs, male, male' .. mother : dharifulha konthaka ?
son : naz ge geya ( naz is the girlfriend)
mother : namadha naaraatha dhanee?
son : noon manma , namadh kohfin
in other words u are allowed to go and screw as long as you have prayed first, fact that you are goin to see ur galfriend for some hopefully making out sessions is completely ignored and simply not talked about

scenario 2 --- baby A born
baby B born
location ---- neighbours .. dhushintha baby A haadha lobi ye, fala fala dhon dhon fuh gadehen
baby B eha dhone noon dho ?
the cuteness of a baby is judged by its colour and the health of it is judged by how much fat they have.

If you come from a wealthy family u are respected more no matter what kinda ass u are
How productive you are is based on how many times u shove ur head up bosse's ass
If you have nothing to say when a backbiting session is going on( doesnt matter if you really dont know who that is ) you are proud and stuck up
How a child is treated at school might vary depending on which party their parents are from

who belongs with whom ? u never know wats real and wats not , this is a confusing place we live in .. i wonder why my existence was important anyways ., i just had t be born didnt i ?
no wonder babies cry or atleast are supposed t cry when they arrive , i guess everyone knows it wont be a nice here
sometimes you dont really need a hand to be slapped across the face
and it hurts when you know ur being hurt on purpose ,,nothing is special enough to last
people find comfort in eachother is what ur told but its better when u carry the weight of ur own tears ..and i dont necessarily believe COLDPLAY when they sing : i will try fix you ..
ur most helpless when u realize all u felt was not returned but calling things a mistake is an insult to your own emotions
its crappy to be this needy and full of emotions , i agree that sumtimes being human doesnt really help ..

from my soul

i think you would love him had you met him
i failed you
i dont think of you
i dont wanna think of you
i wish you didnt go
it was my fault
i sud have taken care of you more
maybe i sud have considered other options
i miss you
i wish you had a better child than me
someone who would not have disappointed you
i am sorry i cant think of you , i sudnt write about you
but i need you and i miss you
i wish u didnt die i wish u didnt die
i cant say goodbye

How do you forgive ? the question of forgiveness sud arise from being treated unfairly i suppose
Forgiveness means forgetting ? so u automatically forget stufff ? it will be there but u choose not to react to it and hope it wont happen again ? but it cant change the fact that it happened and after that point of time somethings change and no matter what it cannot go back to the same ..
maybe forgiveness means accepting , accepting that shit can happen and still for other numerous reasons you choose to carry the shit with you in a more nice way?
Blame is such a nasty word .. its like im not responsible for stuff thats gone bad and its much easier for me to think its ur fault .. that way i am more at peace ..
Fate is so hard to understand, things go terribly wrong and u say its fate , dont you just hate friking FATE

ive learned that sleep is the most important thing at night
ive learned that somethings just cannot be explained
ive learned that i blog mostly when im pissed
ive learned that staring at a person for no particular reason is common here
ive learned that sometimes we need to do meaningless things
ive learned that figuring out why one wud lie unneccesarily could be quite unsuccesful
ive learned that having a person who fusses about u could be quite nice
ive learned that nothing is supposed to last
ive learned that some pick their noses in public automatically assuming they just cannot be seen
ive learned that noones really bothered to stop to let people cross the roads (here)
ive learned that noones like ones mother
ive learned that being closely related does not make people close
ive learned that you are your own secret keeper
ive learned that i cannot be around giggly loud men or women
ive learned that internet is a huge part of my life
ive learned that i can live day by day without being really bothered about anything
ive learned that nodding and agreeing is the only way to deal with some people
ive learned that how you think control your emotions
ive learned that people you care about could really hurt you
ive learned that noone is without a problem
ive learned that money can solve a lot of problem
ive learned that how you feel can change in seconds
ive learned that humans are designed to function better with care and love
ive learned that being attracted to someone comes naturally
ive learned that a persons personality changes how you see them
ive learned that lots of people want good things to happen to them only
ive learned that mostly people talk about bad of others than good
ive learned that nothing can help you unless you are willing to help yourself
ive learned that talking does not help everything
ive learned that mostly we do what we wanna do rather than what should be done
ive learned that sex could be useful when stressed
ive learned that no matter how openminded you are somethings really can shock you
ive learned that helping others is a huge part of your existence
ive learned that very bad things happen to very good people
ive learned that life is a painful mystery